


Colours

by leeyanatasya



Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, College, F/M, Friendship, Heartbreak, Self-Acceptance, Self-Hatred, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-26 23:06:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 9,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17150783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leeyanatasya/pseuds/leeyanatasya
Summary: In which Park Jaehyung experiences life, love, heartbreak and self-acceptance, one colour at a time.(Each part of the story is told with a specific colour that represents the emotion Park Jaehyung coherently feels at that point in time).





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Find more of my work on my twitter: @/endlesskyh
> 
> Ask me stuff on curiouscat:  
> https://curiouscat.me/endlesskyh
> 
> Thank you for reading and I hope you will find this story to your liking ♡

_When he closes his eyes, he can still picture the colors._

Red; all the times before her where he spent conjuring irascibility, constantly infuriated with his surroundings, the people around him; days spent perpetually irritated with the world and its fucked up issues, nights spent perpetually annoyed at his own cynical views. He wanted to be happy, but there was no one to smile for.

Green; those few days he had to spend out in the woods on that dumbass camping trip Dowoon had dragged him to, despite his consistent protests and resistance. ‘It’ll help you hone your photography skills. You’ll finally find your muse,’ his friend claimed, and he had given in soon enough, less because of the valid reasoning and more because of his need to keep the single friend he had. The younger boy had been right after all, as it seemed; he’d found his muse, it just wasn’t the green scenery. That trip was the first time he’d met her.

Pink; for the embarrassing moments that never stopped occurring whenever he tried to talk to her; from the stutters of words he wasn’t able to articulate, to the sudden falling over his own feet, to the minimal courage he’d mustered to finally ask her out on that first date. Though he actually hadn’t, as she’d been the one to say the words out loud for him, when he’d spent a good few minutes stammering from the moment he’d met her eyes; her talent was her ability to render him to near-speechless, which she would take pride on for the months to come. And despite himself, he was never aggravated by it. He never was when it came to her.

Yellow; he was happy. He was genuinely, utterly, walking-on-sunshine happy. He spent his mornings grinning his head off, anticipating the few minutes between classes where he’d get to meet her, and the long hours afterwards where they’d get to spend ever more time together. He spent his nights grinning his head off still, remembering the events of the entire day as he fell asleep clutching the necklace she’d gotten him for their anniversary, never taking it off since their third month of being together. His roommate had teased him and called him a lovesick freak on a daily basis, but he couldn’t give a damn about what Sungjin thought because, despite himself, it never annoyed him. He believed nothing would ever annoy him again; for once in his life, he’d finally found someone to smile for.

Purple; with every bright light, there is a shadow, and his came in the form of an ex-lover who wouldn’t quit; Kang Brian was handsome, smart, charismatic – he was the personification of a girl’s dream come true, even in his eyes – and, worst of it all, he wanted her back. He wanted her fucking back. The way Brian smiles at her, the way he meets her eyes, the way words roll off his tongue so smoothly when he speaks to her – it demeans him. It makes him feel so. fucking. insecure. He wasn’t Kang Brian, he could never be Kang Brian. She deserved to be with someone as perfect as the boy with blue hair, and not with a disgrace of a human like the boy who couldn’t even stand the way his eyes looked without glasses. His past ways kept buried start to burn within him; a purple flame feeding off his own insecurities.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find more of my work on my twitter: @/endlesskyh
> 
> Ask me stuff on curiouscat:  
> https://curiouscat.me/endlesskyh
> 
> Thank you for reading and I hope you will find this story to your liking ♡

Green; it’s a different shade this time, a colour ghastly pigmented with envy and jealousy. He told her how uncomfortable it was, watching them interact and acting the way no past lovers should; she defended herself, explaining that they didn’t work for a reason, and she’d never go back to him; he persisted, but she did too. The cycle continued on day by day, and with every passing sunrise the little monster within him grew.

_You’ll never be good enough; you’ll never be worthy of her; you’ll snap out of your fantasy before you’ll ever reach your happily ever after._

He continued to hurt himself by subtly intercepting the pair’s conversations whenever he stumbled upon them, and if either was annoyed, they never mentioned it. Although, he never could hide his hostility towards the younger boy, and this in itself fuelled weeks after their first kiss; Park Jaehyung uttered the words he never thought he’d say out loud, with such assurance and confidence, to anything or anyone.

_“I love you.”_

Blue; it is the present, and there is a pause. His previous exterior shatters, and out comes the sad little boy who has only ever admitted to being in love once in his life, only to have her respond with silence, tears, and the sound of footsteps scurrying off soon after. He stands there, stunned, unable to comprehend what the fuck had just happened. He takes off his glasses, wipes away the tears forming, and heads back to his dorm, leaving the pieces of his heart scattered on the ground outside.

The cycle continues.

Maroon; The cycle is in motion, but it’s taken a turn for the worst. She says sorry profusely, not able to get through a sentence without expressing her regret for not loving him back. He tells her he’s okay, but he isn’t; if she was able to reciprocate the love the ghost of her past had for her, why couldn’t she do the same for him? He’s never proclaimed his love for anyone before her, and he slowly realises it’s for good reason. No one can tell him they love him, because he isn’t good enough to be loved; and the thought hurts. The rejection fucking hurts more. He replays the night over and over again in his head, his words playing repeatedly like a mantra in his ears, and as he tries to meet her eyes again all their dates after, he no longer can. All he can do is stare down at her fingers intertwined with his, nails coated a deep shade of maroon, and listen to her frequent apologies as he gradually pulls his hand away, every single time.

If she notices, she doesn’t say much. Maybe she feigns ignorance, maybe she knows it’s only a matter of time.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find more of my work on my twitter: @/endlesskyh
> 
> Ask me stuff on curiouscat:  
> https://curiouscat.me/endlesskyh
> 
> Thank you for reading and I hope you will find this story to your liking ♡

Grey; it is their sixth month anniversary. And he has created a scrapbook of sorts in its honour, filled with printed-out pictures he’d taken of his muse. He is planning on giving it to her, on this day underneath the stars, where he planned for all their milestones and fondest memories to occur. That plan had, of course, dissipated within the moment she had run off without a word. Now, over four weeks since his proclamation, he no longer had the heart to give it to her – it was a shit effort on his part anyway, because he was never one for art, and the scrapbook only contained pictures from their four months of being together, and nothing later. He hasn’t indulged in photography for some time now, and how can he? He’s slowly losing his muse, and she has forever tainted the one thing he had loved besides her.

Nevertheless, after being left on voicemail more than a dozen times and having to hear Park Sungjin grumble on about how he should fucking stop staring at that damn scrapbook for hours on end, he decides to simply give it to her out of spite, because if he has to deal with feeling like shit on his goddamn sixth month anniversary, then he might as well be feeling like shit with her. So he heads off in pursuit off her dorm, the scrapbook placed in a green box he bought thinking of her – it didn’t take long for him to enter the girls’ dorm, passing by a fair deal of students he’d never seen before. He ignores them and finds her room, ready to open the door and surprise her with as much joy and excitement he could muster when –

A student grabs him arm, and stops him in his tracks.

Orange; Park Jaehyung has never been one for friends. Friendships; relationships; bonds that he cultivated over the past twenty years have all been unattached and cut ties with halfway, and he himself was to blame. With the exception of Yoon Dowoon – and her – Park Jaehyung has never managed to grow properly attached to anyone, and he has had no regrets.

Well, except for one.

And that regret came in the form of Kim Wonpil, talented music prodigy he’s known since high school, who spends his days living life in ecstasy, because it was the only way he knew how. Kim Wonpil, the boy he went through thick and thin with; Kim Wonpil, the boy who could do no wrong; Kim Wonpil, the boy he’d left in the dark when it all got too much; Kim Wonpil, the boy who just so happens to attend the same music programme as his girlfriend, because that was just how much the world abhors him; Kim Wonpil, the boy holding onto his arm, refusing to let go even as he struggles and yells a string of profanities in his face.

White; the younger boy had been the one to introduce himself first. It was three years into high school, and Park Jaehyung sat in an empty classroom alone, fiddling with the strings of his guitar. Back then, music had been his euphoria, before he found tranquillity in photography, and playing to himself as students and teachers made their way home was a regular routine for him; it was on that particular day, however while going about his routine, that a small freshman, barely at his shoulder, came running in, babbling with excitement as he confessed to silently listening to Jaehyung play the guitar for a while now, coherently acknowledging and praising his abilities. He’d talked about his love for the piano, and immediately wanted to be a band with him, despite being mere strangers at the time; the guitarist never got a word in, and had had almost half a mind to walk out of the room right then, had he not felt so.. intrigued.

Intrigued was not an emotion he felt often, and so he wanted to indulge a little longer, just for the mere sake of it.

Therefore he agreed to stay after school and play songs with his newfound acquaintance the next day, and the day after that, and the day after; because as much as he would deny it for the years to come, Park Jaehyung genuinely enjoyed someone being in his company; he enjoyed the experience of bonding over music; he enjoyed having someone be there. For him.

_Kim Wonpil was almost his first reason to smile. If only the monster within him hadn’t reared its ugly head._

Blue; she’s been crying. That’s what Wonpil tells him. After calming him down and persuading him to talk, Wonpil had dragged him out to the yard in front of the girls’ dorm, where he’s been staying silent, refusing to look his former friend in the eyes. When he first found out that Kim Wonpil had been offered a scholarship to the same university, Park Jaehyung had pulled out all the stops to ensure they’d never meet; taking the longer route to class; keeping his head down in public spaces; waiting for his girlfriend to exit class around the corner rather than lingering near the door; it was for his benefit, as well as the pianist’s. They were better off never seeing each other.

Or so he believed.

What Kim Wonpil starts telling him as they sit together on the bench, however, tells a different story.

Grey; They’ve always been friends. Him and her. Park Jaehyung just refuses to admit it to himself. She’d mentioned Wonpil before; she’d pestered him about their history before; she’d made an attempt to get them together before; but every single time it would be him, pushing away the buried memory of his regret that he had carefully placed and locked in a cage in the back of his mind, refusing to let the guilt arisen as it would just burst out of him, and he might never swallow it back down. That is what happened way back when, and his very much unburied memories of how much he mentally destroyed himself for never giving himself a chance stays vivid beneath closed eyes, just behind the colours. Which is why she left the mystery alone, not wanting to cause a bout of annoyance that would come from him whenever she so much as breathed Wonpil’s name.

Park Jaehyung believes he has changed after meeting her. But she, however, tells Wonpil a different story.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find more of my work on my twitter: @/endlesskyh
> 
> Ask me stuff on curiouscat:  
> https://curiouscat.me/endlesskyh
> 
> Thank you for reading and I hope you will find this story to your liking ♡

Black; his view of the world was an ebony shade, and she feared drowning in his darkness. When she first met him, he was far from sunshine and rainbows; he was a cynical, black-and-white college boy who took photographs and kept to himself to hide the obscenity within him, and she’d hadn’t figured that out the moment they were first acquainted. He was so nervous – _God, he was so goddamn nervous_ – and she found it endearing; she was introduced to his constant stammers, dry humour, awkward mannerism, and she grew fond of each antic, every single trait that encapsulated Park Jaehyung into the embodiment of a man she perceived him to be. She saw him in all these bright colours, that she’d forgotten to explore the contrast underneath. And that was the first mistake.

The beginning of a relationship with Park Jaehyung was haven on earth; she stood tall, walking on clouds of euphoria whenever with him, be it in their rendezvouses between classes or long night outs after. He was polite, he was shy, but most of all he was bright – and all of it elevated her more. He was the first boy who made her almost rip her hair out as she waited for that first kiss, before she said “fuck it,” and took that first step herself; it was gentle, it was caring, it was everything she made Park Jaehyung out to be, and nothing less. For so long, she thought of boys as being too conceited, too arrogant, too proud, that it was so damn nice to finally be with someone who was unsure, who was ambivalent about most things, yet still managed to pull through despite the narcissistic facade and inability to form proper and smooth sentences, especially when he looked at her. For the first few months, walking on the clouds of euphoria, she truly believed that she’d found the boy who would permanently warm her heart and build a nest of butterflies in her stomach.

But then the cycle started, and gravity pulled her back to earth.

Black (ii); Kang Brian was the start of a cycle she never planned on conjuring. He’d been her boyfriend for a few months, back when they were high school sophomores, but it had ended when they realised they were better off as friends; and so friends they became. Even before college, even before Park Jaehyung, they never had the intense tension and suffocation most exes experienced, simply because they’d never truly been in love in the first place, and that was that. But her boyfriend wasn’t so easily convinced.

He insisted Brian wanted her back; he was hell-bent adamant he would try to steal her away from him. She’d mentioned that they were mere friends; she’d clarified their past; she’d told him, over and over again, that Kang Brian’s confidence and charismatic demeanour was just naturally him, and he would treat any of his friends – guy or girl – the same way he treated her. The same way he would treat Park Jaehyung, if he would just fucking give him a chance. But a hidden trait of her boyfriend she hadn’t known was how incredibly stubborn he could be; and so the cycle continued, cultivating his paranoia and insecurities, disintegrating the high pedestal she’d placed him on, piece by piece, the weight of it all crushing down on her. His refusal to articulate about his past with Wonpil only made matters worse. She told him everything about her past, so why the hell couldn’t he tell her anything about his? The cycle that existed wedged them apart, and it led his colours to slowly dissipate in front of her, and she was afraid of it all turning to ebony all too soon.

Black (iii); in hindsight, of course, she realised that he was not the only one to blame; he did not need to expose his ghosts if he didn’t want to, just like how she did not cut ties on a long-term friendship because she didn’t want to. And she could’ve handled it all better, his doubts, his fears; at the very slightest, she could’ve made a bigger effort of convincing through actions rather than words, could’ve proved her loyalty instead of verbal insurance; but suddenly it was all too late.

Because then it no longer was about Kang Brian, and it was no longer was about Kim Wonpil. It was about them, underneath the stars, five months into their relationship and him, looking at her behind those big, round glasses, the way he did all those months ago, despite the jealousy; despite the regular arguments; despite the cycle, telling her how he loved her, and how he’d never said it to anyone before, and how he’d never been assured to say it to anyone up till then. The stars danced in his eyes, yet tears swayed in hers.

Because it was also about her, and her worries, and her fears, and her not knowing if this whole situation would actually occur, and her not giving it much thought because she was so fucking sure he wouldn’t have the guts to say it first. Her heart raced, her mind spun, and the tears flowed through; suddenly she’d turned on her heel and bolted the hell out of there, because she was so fucking scared to tell this fragile boy the truth.

That she didn’t love him after all.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find more of my work on my twitter: @/endlesskyh
> 
> Ask me stuff on curiouscat:  
> https://curiouscat.me/endlesskyh
> 
> Thank you for reading and I hope you will find this story to your liking ♡

Colourless; Park Jaehyung has spent his lifetime chasing colours. He has seen the redness of his fury, he has felt the dark green of envy, he has fuelled the purple flames of insecurity; he has battled the hot pink of embarrassment, he has walked on yellow sunshine, and he has broken down with the blue of a melancholy heart.

But as he sits there, in silence, listening to the story of his unrequited love being told by the boy he left through the eyes of the girl he wishes to keep, Park Jaehyung starts to see the various shades around him dissipate.

The realisation hits him harder than the tears flow; _he was right. He’s been right since the start._ His colours, the ones he has pushed down, kept locked inside – they have never been well hidden; they are too big of a contrast to the bright image he desperately tries to conjure around her, to make her fall for him the way he has fallen for her, over and over again; it was hopeless from the beginning. He is not bright yellow, he is not vibrant red; he is blue, he is grey, he is lost. He is encapsulated, drowning in a mess of his own emotions because he has never been one to properly express exactly how he feels, finding it so fucking difficult, so much so to the point where he can only word them into metaphors conceived from the world around him.

He is a photographer. He sees the world in every single colour. That is how he works. That is how he lives. Amongst the mess and the woes, that is his single consistency.

His hand reaches for the necklace around his neck; the gradual realisation that he has hurt the girl he loves comes in waves. His single consistency disappears before him.

He closes his eyes. He sees nothing. He opens them. There is black and white, but nothing more.

_He can no longer picture the colours._

Black and white; he stands in front of the door with his heart beating a mile a minute. He isn’t quite sure what he plans on saying, and he isn’t quite sure if he’ll even get a word in. His eyes are coated with the tears of his sorrow, and he’s spent the journey back to her dorm in a fit of hiccups, the pool of regret and guilt nestling in his stomach in the form of butterflies. He feels as if a dark cloud is looming over him, preventing any form of light from breaking through, preventing him from seeing the colours. It fucking frustrates him that he can’t see the colours.

He stands at the door. He closes his eyes. And he thinks back to Wonpil.

Black and white (ii); his walls came crashing down and his tears flooded through, Kim Wonpil had wrapped his arms around his former friend as a sign of comfort, a sign of consolation; he’d allowed the older boy to drain the colours out of himself through his tears; tears that carried the weight of his feelings for her, but also the weight of his feelings for himself – the self-deprecation; the self-hatred; the self-inflicted torment he’d been living with his whole life comes out all at once, on that bench, in the comfort of the former friend he himself had pushed away.

Kim Wonpil had allowed him the time to articulate, before he gripped the sorrowful boy by the shoulders and held him at arm’s length, looking him dead in the eye as he speaks:

“Please do not blame her; she is not obligated to love you. She is not obligated to fill that void, Park Jaehyung, the one inside you that remains because you can’t seem to accept yourself. But do not push her away without a word either; she feels guilty, hyung, and she shouldn’t. You know she shouldn’t. Just because she doesn’t love you yet, doesn’t mean she never will; but that is a choice you must both make between yourselves. Let her have her say, and let yourself have yours.”

Kim Wonpil stood up from the bench, and dragged Park Jaehyung up with him; he smiled at the older boy, a smile the latter hadn’t seen since high school, and never realised just how much he missed. Kim Wonpil turned him towards the entrance of the dorm and pushed him forward, urging him to go with a few final words:

_“Don’t make the same mistake that you made with me.”_

Black and white (iii); his muse answers the door. She stands frozen in place at the sight of him, the last person she expected to see. It is their sixth month anniversary, and she has spent the day restraining herself from answering his calls, from having to see him, from the guilt that’s been consuming her; he has been gradually pushing her away for so long, she believed he would continue on with the cycle even during a special occasion like today – especially today – where the tension between them could be cut with a knife, where the reminiscences of a failed declaration would haunt him more than any other day. She half-expects him to leave as she stares at his figure in surprise, not failing to notice the bloodshot eyes that aren’t being shielded by the usual frame of glasses.

_He isn’t wearing glasses in public. That is a first._

Although she expects him to bail and run out of there, he doesn’t; instead he smiles at her, eyes turning into small crescents that always makes her heart flutter, and reaches for her hand to intertwine their fingers, brushing his thumb against her maroon nails, all the while desperately trying to not have his eyes leave hers.

_He doesn’t pull away his hand this time. That is a first in a while._

She speaks then, asking him why he suddenly came when she made it clear she didn’t want to see him – she expects him to grumble, be irritated; she expects him to feel offended that she proclaims she doesn’t want to see him out loud, something she gradually found out that he’s been harbouring a fear of for the last six months. But instead of a negative reaction that has been the core of their cycle, he continues to smile as he answers her, voice slightly quivering, but the words have never been more sincere.

_“I’m sorry.”_

Transparent; it’s a simple saying; it’s a simple phrase. It’s one that she has given, and been given to. An apology is known to be one of the most common words out of most people’s lips; and yet as he says them, she realises that they hit her deeper than anything else he could’ve said – Park Jaehyung has never apologised to her for anything; any fight, any sarcastic remark, any obvious irascibility towards her interest in his past; he has never once apologised for the continuation of a cycle that tired her dearly, except now.

She prides herself on her ability to leave Park Jaehyung near-speechless; but today, six months later, the tables have turned, and the colours have changed.

She says nothing. She simply falls into his arms to bury her face in his shoulder, and cries her eyes out.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find more of my work on my twitter: @/endlesskyh
> 
> Ask me stuff on curiouscat:  
> https://curiouscat.me/endlesskyh
> 
> Thank you for reading and I hope you will find this story to your liking ♡

Crystal; they sit in her room and she tells him about everything that has been left unsaid. Every hidden thought, pain and regret comes out into the open, as if she were painting a blank canvas with all her pent up emotions, and he sits in silence, listening. She admits to confiding in Wonpil and that everything the younger boy has told is true, which he knows; she assures him that she only vented to Wonpil because he was the only one who had grown close to him before and that there was nothing between them, which he also knows; it pains him that she feels the need to assure him of even that, because that’s how jealous and insecure he’s been all this while; she tells him that she still cares for him, even if she hasn’t grown to love him, because while he isn’t the man that she initially deemed him to be, she still had the best few months of her life with him, and she would never go back and change that, for anything. 

The majority of feelings for him haven’t changed, but they haven’t grown deeper. She has had her worries, and she has had her regrets; but each negative thought, each dissipating colour has been worth it – because he is worth it. And she tells him so.

She wishes he could tell himself the same thing. 

Park Jaehyung sits in silence, listening. He listens to her perspective, her words, and her views of their relationship, of him. He listens while holding back a smile, holding back tears, as the walk down memory lane is much bitter than he’d expected. When she finishes, he lifts his gaze from their hands and meets her eyes, the same pair of eyes he’s still very much in love with, and slowly breathes. 

It’s his turn to speak. 

Crystal (ii); Park Jaehyung has lived his whole life keeping everything inside, because he never felt worthy enough to have his feelings be told. Even as a child he would keep to himself, sitting away from the rest of the young boys and girls his age, not knowing how to socially interact without dying of embarrassment. That embarrassment gradually grows into something much more cynical, as his childhood innocence was soon contaminated with the world and its fucked up issues. By the time he’d reached his adolescence, he didn’t articulating not because he was unable to, but because he no longer wanted to; he’d concocted a mind-set where some words were just better left unsaid, and his eyes, his words were best kept hidden altogether. 

Which is why opening up to her, the girl that holds his heart in her hands, is proving to be much more difficult than expected. 

But he tries to do so anyway, because he owes her this much; so he tells his story: the truth of his natural inferiority, the history of his lost friendship with Wonpil, the silver lining that formed when she came into the picture; he doesn’t stop talking as if time has stood still, as if the rest of the world no longer exists, because that is exactly what he has told the people around him, including himself; that he would only be vulnerable if the world is ending. 

And now, after everything she’s confessed about her struggles, after everything they’ve put each other through, after the colours have completely vanished from his view, he thinks it might just have. 

And maybe that’s okay.

Crystal (iii); Park Jaehyung has surprised even himself. He expected mirrors shattering. He expected the earth to swallow him whole. He expected that he would run out of the room and keep running, never stopping for a breath, the minute he allows his walls to break down in front of anyone, much more the person he’s in love with. But none of that occurs. Instead, he sits next to her on the bed, fingers still intertwined, unmoving and unnerved. 

He expected a million butterflies to nestle in his stomach. But he is as calm as he has ever been.

There is silence in the room, one that lasts a long while, both of them quietly staring at their hands on his lap. She lifts her head up thereafter, and he follows suit, looking into her eyes; they stare at him with both foreignism and familiarity, as if he were a stranger and someone she’s known her whole life altogether; he seems to be focusing too much on her eyes however, because what she does next is most unexpected, and the butterflies have finally sprouted. 

She wraps her arms around his neck, never breaking eye contact, and kisses him slow.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find more of my work on my twitter: @/endlesskyh
> 
> Ask me stuff on curiouscat:  
> https://curiouscat.me/endlesskyh
> 
> Thank you for reading and I hope you will find this story to your liking ♡

Light; he is frustrated by the absence of colours. But in its place appears a light, one that he never hadn’t begun to notice until she placed her lips on his. 

The kiss is slow, and isn’t deep; it’s much less passionate than ones that have been shared before; but it is sweeter, a gut-wrenching slow burn, taking his breath away with every second that passes by – it makes his head dizzy, because he can’t quite elucidate its meaning, but he enjoys it all the same, perhaps even more than he should. 

He has feigned ignorance. But it was always a matter of time. 

When she pulls away, he is still breathless, and he is all the more dizzy, but the words left unsaid – every single one – has come undone. She doesn’t need to say more, because he understands, but she does so anyway, because she owes him this much. 

And when she tells him it’s best they be apart for now, he expects it. But his heart shatters all the same.

Light (ii); he tells her he understands; he apologises again, and she does as well, and he realises a new cycle has begun, but it is one he refuses to indulge. He gets up then, ready to leave her room, when he turns back and asks her a question he dreads.

“Do you think you and I will get another chance?”

She smiles, and he ignores the voice in his head that tells him she’ll never smile like this with him again as he listens to her words:

“Maybe someday. But before we can, I think we both need to find more reasons to smile for.”  
He says nothing. And she takes the silence as a chance to continue.

“Promise me, Park Jaehyung – please promise me that you’ll try to learn to love yourself before you love others. And that you will allow the ones who love you to stay. You deserve to be loved, Jaehyung. No matter what you tell yourself.”  
He says nothing. He can’t say anything. He turns his back on her, not wanting her to see the tears fall. He reaches for the knob, wanting to get the hell out of there –

But the light hasn’t faded. And he realises this as he closes his eyes, trying to prevent the tears from flowing. The light from the kiss still remains, despite her goodbye and despite the words that hit him like a brick; out of everything that has happened tonight, this is the most unexpected. This brings back his words. 

This brings back a little hope. 

Slowly, he turns to her again, and he doesn’t know for the life of him why, but he mumbles two words that he’s barely sure he means, that come out as barely a whisper, but she hears them loud and clear. 

“I promise.”

He exits the door; time continues, and he sees that the world around him has not ended, still very much existing, but it does appear a little brighter than before.

Light (iii); it takes a lot out to change dark colours into shades brighter. It takes him time. 

His first step is reconciliation. He meets with Dowoon, whom he has missed terribly, and schedules regular meet-ups after classes. He tells the younger boy everything that has occurred over the past few months, and the fear of him feeling like a second option crosses Jaehyung’s mind, but Dowoon assures that he understands; he wants the former to be happy just as she does. 

He also makes an attempt to bond with Sungjin, whom he has never tried to get along with, but they end up having a night of fun in their dorm together playing video games, though his roommate spends days afterwards mocking him for his poor gaming skills – it aggravates him, and he barely conceals it, but he tries. And with the weeks gone by, Park Sungjin’s snide remarks gradually falter, and his sheer annoyance towards his roommate’s mere presence begins to fade.

It is a start.  
It is a brighter shade.

Light (iv); his second step is apologies. He meets with Brian, the person he has come to realise has done no wrong, and that he had only hated on due to his mere inferiority. Brian is handsome, Brian is smart, Brian is charismatic; Brian is the personification of every girl’s dream come true. But someone else’s traits are their own success, and they do not make him, Park Jaehyung, any less of a person. He tries to remember that. He tries to remember it the whole time he apologises to Brian, and the latter forgives him, and says that he hopes they can put the past behind them and be friends. 

Jaehyung smirks, but says nothing. Instead, he asks the younger boy about her, and he says that she is holding up okay, but their breakup was a bigger blow than expected. Brian asks if the reason why Jaehyung is hesitant to be friends with him is because he still believes that Brian is attempting to rekindle an old flame, and deadpans that he has no intentions of doing so.

Park Jaehyung shakes his head. He is not hesitant because of past jealousy. He is hesitant because when he sees the boy in front of him, he is reminded of her. Her, and her smile, and her eyes, and her way of rendering him speechless. Her and her colours, which he can no longer see, and it pains him still, but he endures it. And to endure it, he cannot forge a friendship with Brian – not yet. He cannot grow close to anything that will continuously remind him of her. 

Because he is still doing this for her; and he wants to be doing this for himself.

Light (v); it was months ago that he has reconciled fragile bonds, and apologised to a soul he envied due to his own insecurities.. But now, months later, he must do both at once, with the same person, and it is much harder than expected. 

Especially because the person also reminds him so much of her. 

Kim Wonpil sits in the music studio alone, playing the keys on his beloved piano. He is in his own world, not realising the sole figure that is standing by the door, silently listening. The music causes him to reminisce his high school days, and he smirks at the thought of playing music with his old friend; the days Kim Wonpil would stand outside the classroom door as he listens to him play the guitar, days prior to the best memories of his teenage years. The reversal in roles does not go unnoticed, and his smirk widens into a half-smile as Wonpil finishes playing and looks in his direction.  
Park Jaehyung enters the room, and sits down next to his former friend. And he does what he should have done so long ago; he apologises, and he asks to reconcile. 

Kim Wonpil sits in silence as Park Jaehyung lets out everything that has been on his chest; from the start of their friendship to his abandonment, from admitting that Kim Wonpil almost made him smile to conceding that he had let the green monster within him take over; Park Jaehyung tells him that he is sorry, and that he does not expect Kim Wonpil to forgive him, much more be his friend again. 

Kim Wonpil sits in silence after Park Jaehyung finishes his words, and it is slow and agonising. He tries to maintain his gaze with Wonpil’s own, but the boy refuses to look at him, so instead his eyes begin to move across the room, glancing over the various instruments kept in cases against the walls until he lands on the one that is most familiar. 

A guitar.

Light (vi); his breath hitches, and Wonpil looks up and follows his gaze. He chuckles as he sees what the older boy is looking at, and turns back to look at him, finally meeting his gaze. 

“Do you still remember how to play?”

Park Jaehyung gulps, not knowing how to respond. It has been years since he even touched a guitar, and he has for sure gone rusty over the long course of time, but in his heart he knows he still remembers the way his fingers form chords, the way they gracefully strum the strings.  
He nods. And the boy in front of him smiles. 

“Then let’s play.”

Without saying another word, Kim Wonpil approaches the long-lost instrument, removes it from its case to reveal a shining white beauty, and hands it to the former guitarist. The guitar rests in Jaehyung’s hands, and he smirks to himself because of how comfortable it feels, as if it had long been waiting to be called into his arms, to be called home. Kim Wonpil smiles as he watches Jaehyung silently, before playing the first few chords of a familiar song on his piano; a song that they practised frequently all those years ago.

Park Jaehyung is hesitant at first, but he slowly begins to play; and as his rhythm gradually matches Wonpil’s, he begins to smile, something he has not done in a while. He grins to himself, staring down at the guitar, and he notices a shade of yellow in his vision. His heart races.

Sunlight penetrates the room through the window as the sun begins to set, and Park Jaehyung squints as he looks up, wanting to stare into the source of colour that had been gone for so long. 

He is seeing yellow. He is seeing a colour. He is seeing a bright shade.

He turns back to his guitar, and continues to smile at the thought that his world has grown that much brighter, and that his efforts have finally led him to the single outcome that he has always wanted.

Finally, Park Jaehyung has found something else to smile for.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find more of my work on my twitter: @/endlesskyh
> 
> Ask me stuff on curiouscat:  
> https://curiouscat.me/endlesskyh
> 
> Thank you for reading and I hope you will find this story to your liking ♡

His final step takes him more than time. It takes him bravery; it takes him confidence; it takes him acceptance; it takes him love. 

His final step is forgiveness. And he never thought he would get here. 

His life the past year has been a dwindling roller-coaster; a mess of dark and bright colours, inferior thoughts, long-lost friendships and most of all, her.  
Her, whom he has not seen in so long. Her, whom he misses, but not as much as he used to. Not as much as he would have.

He has forgiven her a long time ago; he has forgiven her from the moment she apologised for not loving him back, from the moment he walked out of her door in hopes of a brighter world. There are times, every now and then, when he falters on his own path, and his denial overwhelms him, and he searches for someone else to blame to reduce his guilt – but she never comes to mind. And nobody else does either. He has forgiven those who’ve done him wrong, and he has apologised to them in return. It is neither her, nor anyone else, that he finds so incredibly difficult to forgive. No, forgiving others was much easier. They did not take him bravery he couldn’t muster, confidence he couldn’t feign, acceptance he couldn’t provide, and love he couldn’t give. 

It took him time. Because time was all he had. 

It has been a long while since he walked out of her door; it has been some time since he first found another reason to smile. He has spent a good portion of his time hesitating, thinking this will help him achieve nothing, telling himself that he is better off forgetting everything and moving on. But he persevered, and he kept on his path, and now he is here. 

And it is just simply too much to turn back.

Therefore, with all the courage he gradually mustered, all the confidence he no longer needs to feign, acceptance he wholeheartedly provides, and love he can never believe he is ready to give:

Park Jaehyung finally decides to forgive himself.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find more of my work on my twitter: @/endlesskyh
> 
> Ask me stuff on curiouscat:  
> https://curiouscat.me/endlesskyh
> 
> Thank you for reading and I hope you will find this story to your liking ♡

Park Jaehyung has never been one for the cold. And a busy café certainly doesn’t help to ease the uneasiness that has been cultivating over the past few days.

The heater inside has broken, giving out minimal heat, yet the entire student population has decided that it was more than enough as dozens swarm into the small shop to get away from the blizzard that has not surpassed since last night, rendering him even more uneasy as the thought of the person he was waiting for deciding not to show up comes to mind.

Fuck, what if she does cancel?  
Fuck, he needs to stop being such a nervous wreck. 

It was never his initiative to see her again in the first place; it was Brian’s, whom he had gotten acquainted with just over a month ago, after he decided he was ready to move on from his past completely. They’d stumbled upon each other in the music studio when he was waiting to meet up with Wonpil, and it came as a surprise to them both when they found out that they shared the same love for music. After reconciling with Wonpil a few months ago, he’d discovered that the younger boy was in a band with his other college mates – he just never expected one of the bandmates to be Kang Brian himself. It also just so happened to be Brian’s white guitar that Jaehyung had played the other day, and he mentally laughed at how ironic the whole situation truly was. 

Long ago, Park Jaehyung would have felt even more inferior knowing that Kang Brian was incredibly musically talented. Now, he accepts that they both share a similar interest, and decided that it was better to simply make close friends rather than worthless enemies. 

Of course, this particular friend seems to have had a hidden agenda this entire time.

If it weren’t for Kang Brian, Park Jaehyung would never have even thought to see her again. But the younger boy had convinced him to, telling him that he was more than ready, and that he shouldn’t hide the fact that he himself was dying to see her.

At first, Park Jaehyung believed that his newfound friend’s actions would just prove futile, because he truly believed that he had moved on from his past completely, but after much persuasion, it was three simple words that had finally made his say yes; three simple words that brought him back on a path; one he never thought he would walk on again, but one he is adamant about never stepping backwards on. 

Kang Brian had told him three days ago, three simple words, and he had finally agreed.

“She misses you.”

\- - -

Time has a funny way of changing its own pace.  
For instance, as he sits alone in this café, the seconds have started to tick by like a flying bullet, and it isn’t long before fifteen minutes have gone by from the time they were supposed to meet. The blizzard remains a cold catastrophe, and he begins to convince himself that she has decided to not show up at all.

He doesn’t blame her, of course. The weather has simply become a valid obstacle, and he himself is beginning to wonder why he hadn’t decided to bail as well in the first place.

Because she misses him. Because he misses her too.

Time seems to be increasing its speed, and as the minutes quickly tick by, he concedes to himself that it is far too late for her to arrive now, and begins to stand in his seat, contemplating whether it is even safe for him to make the journey to his dorm when –

Time comes to a stop. 

A familiar figure comes bombarding in, hugging herself as she pants and shivers profusely, clearly having run to the café very dangerously in the midst of a winter storm. She takes off her gloves, still continuously shivering, not realising that the people around her have stopped moving. 

Even the boy who has been waiting for her.  
He stands there, stunned at her explicit effort to see him despite the horrendous conditions outside, and he feels his heart racing in his chest. He stands there, and all her colours he could not see before, the colours he has forgotten about begin to flash before his eyes, and the sight of it all overwhelms him to his core. 

Even after all this time, it is still her. It has always been her. 

But he shouldn’t be surprised. It takes more than time to get over your first reason to smile. It takes want.  
And as she turns her head around, finally meeting his eyes, she smiles that familiar sunshine grin, and he isn’t so sure if he wants to just yet.

But maybe that doesn’t matter right now. 

The girl of his dreams slowly makes her way over to him, and plops down on the chair opposite. And time begins to move again. She apologises for being late, complaining about being held back after class as well as the nasty weather, and the way she continues casually talking without missing a beat, as if they hadn’t not seen each other in so long bewilders him, leaving him unable to even get a word in.

He smiles at the thought. No matter how much has happened between them, she will never fail to render him speechless. And he adores that fact.

As she babbles on, he slowly sits back down in his seat, silently listening with the smile still plastered on his face. Gradually, her words come to a stop, and she meets his gaze once again, cheeks turning red as she realises how long she’d been talking. 

“I’m sorry. I’m really nervous. It’s just been so long.”

He doesn’t say anything. Instead he nods, and she smiles at him once again, before tearing her gaze away to have a look around the busy café. Her smile widens as she takes in the sight, averting her eyes back to him.

“It’s funny how Brian had us meet up at first date spot, isn’t it?”

Again, he says nothing. He simply chuckles, looking down at his intertwined fingers on the table. He sees her hands in close proximity to his, and notices the familiar maroon nails he hasn’t seen in so long, and his heart leaps.

Maroon always was his favourite colour on her. 

“It’s really nice to see you again, Jaehyung.”

He lifts his gaze up and meets her eyes for the third time that day; and as he stares into them, noticing how they shine beneath the fluorescent lights, he realises that they hold every single bittersweet memory, every single bright and dark colour, every single word almost left unsaid. They hold the never-ending cycle, the endless tears, the unreciprocated romantic feelings. They hold his first genuine smiles, his first genuine laughs, his first genuine step at making a change. 

Her eyes are a path he never thought he would walk on again. But here he is. And here they are. 

Park Jaehyung looks at this girl, the one who has made him see and experience more colours than he ever thought he would in a single lifetime, and smiles a familiar sunshine grin.

“It’s nice to see you again, too.”

 

\- F I N - 


	10. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find more of my work on my twitter: @/endlesskyh
> 
> Ask me stuff on curiouscat:  
> https://curiouscat.me/endlesskyh
> 
> Thank you for reading and I hope you will find this story to your liking ♡

Epilogue; when he closes his eyes, he can still picture the colours.

For as long as he can remember, he has perceived colours as more than just mere shades on a palette; colours to him hold an important role, an incredible significance. Colours are his metaphors; colours are his way to comprehend, to simplify each complex feeling he has never been an expert at articulating into a single shade they appropriately embody. 

Red for anger. Green for envy. Pink for embarrassment. Yellow for joy.

For the first twenty years of his life, he has personified every emotion he has felt into a single colour; it is his way of concealing, it is his mechanism to cope. He told himself he would never be worthy enough to express how he feels; he refused to allow himself to relieve the pressure of keeping it all pent up inside, because no one could possibly ever love him enough to care. The weight he carried as a consequence dragged him down without mercy, and it is what formed his inferiority complex in the first place. The complex he’d disguised into colours, because it was all he knew. 

It would take him some time before he realised that the only love he would ever need is his own. 

Purple for insecurity. Blue for sadness. Maroon for disappointment. Grey for loss. 

The source of his first genuine smile is no mere stranger. She encapsulated him vividly with her colourful persona, and he felt sorry that he could never be the man she wanted him to. The doubts in his head had whispered from the beginning, but her faint footsteps running into the distance had caused them to ring loud and clear, like a piercing scream in his ears. There was so much disappointment pent up, so much sadness kept buried, so much guilt continuously denied. It wasn’t until cold water came pouring down on his painted canvas, that he knew he had to bring down his walls.

Orange for surprise. White for purity. Black for despair. Colourless for when there is nothing more. 

His walls crashing down in front of her was the moment he realised he needed to make a change. He had to take a path of self-discovery, of self-forgiveness, and he had to do so alone – he couldn’t cling onto a single hand for support. He could not rely on her. He could not rely on his colours. He walked out the door in search of a time where he could genuinely smile without just her presence, where he could find solace in a world that was a bit more crystal clear, all on his own. 

This was never a story about discovering his love for her. This was a story about discovering his love for himself.

 

Epilogue (ii); when he looks back on the year he has had, he realises that everything that has happened has led him down the path he never thought he would walk on; a path he tends to falter on from time to time, when the whispers come to say hello, but he doesn’t open the door to them any longer. Instead, he continues walking forward, never turning back, and little by little the weight of an old consequence becomes lighter, and he believes that soon enough it will vanish completely, if he continues to persevere no matter the obstacle.  
He believes he’ll make it. He has courage, he has determination, and he has light.

Light is for faith. Light is for hope.

And when the world does become darker, he knows that his friends will be there to pull him up and walk the path with him; now that he has reached his outcome, he no longer has to continue the journey on his own, and he is glad for it. 

When he looks back on the year he has had, he often wonders if he would turn back time and do things right from the beginning; he wonders if things would be much better if he had just been the person he is now on that camping trip, instead of having to sacrifice an entire relationship for him to finally want to make a change. But when he looks back on every single colour, he realises that he would never trade them for any other version of himself that he could be; they remain a part of him permanently, despite no longer perceiving them as his emotions, and they will always hold a piece of his heart that he will cherish even in his next lifetime. They remain his solace. They remain his home. 

When Park Jaehyung closes his eyes, he can still picture the colours. Every single one of them holds an important role, an incredible significance, a different memory, a specific emotion, a part of his soul. They are bright, they are dark; they are intensely bittersweet, and yet he wouldn’t trade them for the world. 

They are each his reasons to smile.


End file.
